Learning how not to think

[rootofnewt]

I can remember a time when I actually thought. Thinking was a hobby. Reading several news sources a day, letting the information tumble about in my head, running to the library or my reference shelf or a professor's office when I wanted more information or clarity on a topic . . . that used to be how I breathed and lived. In my free time, I would pick a random section of the university library and read several books. Those might spark an interest in 14th century court farces or Constructionist sculpture or the fashion of nihilist women in the Russian Classical age. I devoured knowlege and I sorted it into various niches, saving it for when I might suddenly find it relevant. And I often did dig it back up, finding relevance every single day. The tangled web of information, knowlege, and the wide expanses of *everything* consumed me.

It seems so foreign now. Almost all of my spare energy is given over toward coping with pain. I've tried writing as a means of coping--of dissociation--but the pain pushes through and takes over. I've tried to keep up on world events and new theories, on the intricacies of foreign policy, but there is precious little space left in my head for the organization rational thought requires.

I occasionally make myself read the world news only in Russian or French, desperately hoping to fire up some calcified synaptic connection. Sometimes I feel a spark, but I usually just find myself as frustrated with the news as when I read it in English. Something is there, but it's just beyond my grasp. And when I go to search for it, I suddenly forget just what it was.

Sometimes I return to math and physics, the language I spoke before people started to interest me. And I find that while I can understand single fragments of it just as well, I can't make the logical leaps that once made it so easy for me. It's like that in every subject now.

I can look at two theories and where I once saw arcs and tangents and a cloud of relational substance, I just see two distinct entities, alone in a void.

Pain hasn't just severed relationships, it's erased them.

That terrifies me.

Comments

[jb98.livejournal.com]

It's simply awful. People tell me they are envious of my remaining intelligence. They mean well, but cannot fathom how devastating it is for me to know how much I've lost. Telling me that I should be greatful that I still have above average intelligence is not comforting. Comparisons between different people are worse than useless.

I feel your loss, I understand, and I'm sorry.

[krasota.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

hugs to BOTH of you, and I'm in the same boat, wishing that no one else was here with me.

it doesnt matter if all you've lost is 2 IQ points. its still a loss.

I used to read...now I cant focus long enough to. what angers/hurts me the most is that my son doesnt have the same mother his sister did....they're 11 years apart in age, and what a lifetime ago it was when she was the little one.

[jb98.livejournal.com]

You just brought forth the tears. My son is 4 years younger than his sister and he didn't/doesn't have the same mom either. It hurts.

*hugz back*

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

it does hurt. it hurts that the beastling is now only 1/8 of an inch shorter than I am, too.

the *only* redeeming thing in this is how compassionate my son is now. he's still 12, he's still self-centered and unthinking at times, but his heart is *good*. he cares about others.

that brings me comfort.

[jb98.livejournal.com]

p.s. I need more polyamorous, bisexual, heathens on my friends list, mind if I friend you?

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

oh absolutely! *huge grin*

the consort will *snrch* when he hears that response. his sense of humor is as off-beat as mine.

the hubby would go "huh? livejournal?" ;)

[sabethea.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. In some ways, it's perhaps better never to have had it because you don't know what you're missing.

[stmaybe.livejournal.com]

*nods in understanding*

*hug*

[dahliablue.livejournal.com]

*another understanding nod & hug*

[sabethea.livejournal.com]

*empathy and hugs*

[heido.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I get this.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

he tangled web of information, knowlege, and the wide expanses of *everything* consumed me.

I didn't know you before the pain, but I can still see this in you, and I think it's one of the big reasons I've felt a friendship connection. As I've tried to return to math and physics, as I dust off the brain it is coming back, and I wish I could give some of that to you, or some way to bridge over or around the pain so you could make those connections again.

*hugs*

[redzshadow.livejournal.com]

I know where you are coming from. My mother has to deal with the same type of loss. It is frustrating for me as well. I hate seeing the people I care about suffer in any fashion. *hugs*

Huggles

[mskit.livejournal.com]

I used to make straight A's in school and be able to teach myself anything and everything by just reading through it once. I didn't understand the concept of studying for a test because all the information was stowed away in my brain from reading the material once. Now, I can re-read something a half dozen times and still not understand what on Earth they're talking about.

I also have this problem with art. I used to be able to draw very well. I loved doing portraits of people and animals. Now, I'm lucky I can make a curved line look good.

It's so hard to be able to accept what you can do now and enjoy these things in any small way inspite of comparining how you used to be able to function. In fact, it can be impossible. Still, there are times when I actually enjoy doing the things I can now only do at a fraction of the ability I was once able. Good old denial..

[glove-puppet.livejournal.com]

I can't think of anything to say to this, but I wanted to say something. I'm sorry, and warm thoughts.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I wish I had words of wisdom, but there's nothing I can say that would bring you comfort, I know. It sucks, it's unfair, and you don't deserve it.

I'm still looking for the genie, and I rub every lamp I find. When I find it, I'll share it with you.

[hnybny.livejournal.com]

I offer you comfort and understanding. I also sympathize and empathize due to my own problems. My pain takes from me too. I think I lose more in emotion than thought processes, I become dulled to joy and excitement and distracted from emotionally connective events. We all lose something when dealing with chronic pain and loss is part of our lives. *hugs*

[ez-mo.livejournal.com]

i understand all too well; it's grieving for who you once were and who you might have been...

in some ways i feel like i've lost my mind twice. first, with the anaphylaxis when i lost a lot of short-term memory and most of my childhood. second, from mommyhood (or the associated pain).

i branched off onto a different path after the first incident. with this whole boo-boo-mommy thing, i simply feel like a walking retard. sadly, i think my hubby agrees. he didn't know me when i had all my buttons, but he can certainly see the decline since we had the first baby.

on the bright side, after 20 years, i can sometimes recall a tidbit of my childhood. it gives me hope that one day i might be somewhat close to the person my husband married.

i'm so sorry, sweetie. {{hugs}} there aren't any adequate words to give; only compassion and understanding. i so wish you weren't going through this.

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say I was really sorry to read this.

It's quite frightening when your brain betrays you.