so i'm in the mood for some more music. all day, i listened to a scrambled mix of Shane McGowan and the Popes (two albums), the Pogues (1 album), Voltaire (1 album), and Sarah MacLachlan.

So now I'm in the mood for something different. With 600 CDs to choose from, this should be an easy task. Of course not. Skold, Mike Patton, Skinny Puppy, Faith No More, Enigma, Fantomas, Enya, Garmarna, the Gathering, Rasputina... There are too many choices. There's stuff in those cabinets I didn't even know we OWNED. Yet there they are, sitting in their dust free little shelves.

So I found Brendan Perry's solo album. Calm, soothing... I'd rather listen to something which will pump me up, but my ears want crooning. I can't wait for the next Fantomas--it will perfectly suit my nighttime needs.

Anyhow, the doctor got sick of me calling daily, so she prescribed Neurontin. This is after she attempted to prescribe Elavil. Been in that hell once before, no thanks. I don't know how long I'll take the Neurontin, since the neurologist will want me off of it for the EMG, I just hope it helps some of this pain.

Of course, for kicks I read the adverse side effects. I'm one of those kids who gets the worse of the worst with most meds. Advil makes me hallucinate. Trazadone made me believe my teeth were engaged in a conspiracy against me.

I'm sorry, my teeth should NOT mutiny. I sustain them with blood, nerves, and oxygen.

Needless to say, this is why I avoid meds and attempt to manage my health on my own, whatever the cost. Of course, sometimes I need help.

So, I have to ask my epileptic friends... Are all anti-convulsants this risky? Do they all have these horrifying potential side effects? I know the brain is grossly misunderstood, but DAMN! they don't allow painkillers on the market which have a "Frequent" side effect list including anorexia, flatulence, hostility, pneumonia, etc. Okay, so they do... Frankly, I'm looking forward to the "strange feelings", lip hemorrhage, antisocial reaction, testicle pain, odd smell, and skin necrosis. (Those are classified rare and infrequent, btw.)

I've listed a small sampler of the adverse effects listed.

That doesn't even account for the dizziness, ataxia, and sleepiness expected from this type of med. I use "expected" loosely. Folks, I'm a guinea pig. They don't know how or why this drug works. Since the alternative is not washing my hair until I can stand, I guess I'll take it.

Yes, I think this is funny. I cracked up reading this med sheet out loud during dinner. My husband freaked out, but did find certain elements funny. Would we laugh if one of them afflicted me? Yes, but it would be a bitter laugh.

Anyhow, I'm slightly more mobile. Dizzier, but I was dizzy before I took the med. That's just one of the parts of fibro and cfids that gets out of control when I can't sleep.

So I'll take my Melantonin soon and find a book for half an hour... Then I'll sleep the sleep of the restless. I'm in a good mood, though. Back to my normal, feisty, cynical self.

BTW, does anyone know an antidote for dizziness? It's not causing too much nausea (got ginger for that), but it's affecting my mobility. When I'm standing, it's the "room falling up, i'm blacking out" dizziness that causes things to fade. It lasts after I've been upright for awhile, assuming I don't fall down immediately. If it's blood pressure, I don't know how I could add more salt to my diet without turning into a a mummy. While sitting, my couch turns one way, the room spins the other, and the floor moves up and down in waves.

Odd. Maybe I should try painting my view. Of course, the easel would tilt the wrong way most of the time.

So it goes...
The dress airing out in here is one of the few absolutes in my life, it seems. It's an atrocious piece of fashion: ankle-length full skirt with four tiers of ruffles, thin horizontal jewel-toned stripes, and a peasant blouse which matches it. It's a size eight, so I wear a corset over it, which hides the fact that i can't close the skirt in back. I often think to myself that, no matter where I go--that dress will always be hideous.

My new allergist informed me yesterday that I'm no longer allergic to soy or strawberries. I'll be honest--I never thought I *was* allergic to strawberries. My previous allergist told me I was, by virtue of the RAST results. Soy, however, has plagued me for three years. Even soybean oil and additives derived from soy--things which should have no soy protein--cause me breathing difficulty and eczema. Edamame, tofu, and TVP led to breathing difficulty, hives, and other lovely joys of anaphylaxis. I had a positive RAST at the same time I tested positive to strawberries... And I've felt so much better since I've cut it out of my diet.

And this new guy tells me, "nope, you're not allergic according to the skin prick test." So many things are going through my mind...

Did he test me for one or 14 soy proteins? Did he use organic soy or GM? Was the protein extract old and degraded? Do I trust him? He treats me like a kid and seems to think I'm a lazy, unemployed housewife. He also claims lecithin and soy oil can't cause reactions in soy allergic individuals.

Then again, maybe I'm not allergic anymore. This is one of the best food allergists in the area. He should know what he's talking about. My expertise is Russian language and culture--his is immunological response. I wouldn't expect him to understand the linguistic development of Slavic languages, so why should he expect me to understand IgG and IgE pathways?

And my UV allergy mysteriously disappeared this month. It appeared in December of 1996... Is my soy allergy related to my estrogen intolerance and are both related to my UV allergy? Maybe I can tolerate all of that stuff now. Maybe I can't tolerate it, but now that I've allowed my liver to detox, I'm no longer symptomatic.

I don't know. I'm confused. I'm worried.

My hubby has told me two things... He will not allow me to risk my life by sampling soy. He's seen what it does to me in the past. I can't blame him and I have no right to risk hurting someone he loves--especially me. On the other hand, I'd like to know if my life is still endangered by soy.

The other thing he's told me is that he won't be seen with me in public if I wear the hideous dress.

I wore it to the Voltaire show a few weeks ago, though. He accompanied me. And we both decided that this dress is actually kind of pretty.

I'm becoming convinced that the only absolutes in life are death and confusion. Everything changes.

December 2016

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