The ceiling beckons.

[rootofnewt]

I've been writing a bit more negatively lately.

Okay, that's an understatement, I've been whining, kvetching, and bitching a whole lot.

I'm not depressed. In fact, I'm doing quite well mentally and so-so physically. The better I'm doing, though, the more I'm able to attempt do and as such . . . the more roadblocks I hit. I vent all my frustration here. I sometimes vent it when I drink, which is another reason I try to avoid drinking--I don't like ranting about my health to folks in real life, period. It's boring and makes people uncomfortable.

I'm not surprised that friends who know me well offline still put up with me online--they know this is where I vent. I'm rather shocked that folks who don't know me elsewhere or pre-illness put up with me. I think I'm shortchanging you all. It's been said that I'm a bouncy, vibrant, and charismatic human being, though those things are only said of me when I'm three sheets to the wind (and obviously not ranting about allopathy or my intestines). I have it on good authority that I'm cheerful, quirky, and flighty when I'm stone cold sober.

I make it sound as though I drink a lot. I don't. I just take advantage of it when I do and enjoy being pain-free. Pre-fibro, my normal social demeanor was so bouncy and scatterbrained that plenty of folks thought I was intoxicated most of the time. I wasn't. I was just exuberant. Too many folks inhibit their natural exuberance. I wish I could express mine more often, but exuberance and pain are not good bedfellows.

Someone described me as placid and graceful recently. They obviously weren't watching closely. I'm deceptively smooth-surfaced. Inside is chaos--turbulent eddies that swirl in every which direction. And any grace I have comes from moving slowly and deliberately, so as not to trip and explode.

Anyhow, these recent bouts of illness have made me a bit cranky. I'm in good spirits, but I'm short on patience. I find myself unable to read LJ communities or freecycle without wanting to require parenting licenses (whether the children in question are human or furkid isn't an issue). I find myself wanting to suggest amputation to folks who write to natural med boards about treating third degree burns without medical supervision. And I find myself wondering why, exactly, I want so desperately to be a contributing member of society if this is what society tosses back at me.

So, I'm feeling a bit better. I'm not quite well enough to build the bookshelves or straighten up the house. Heck, I have issues boiling water at the moment, but my physical being is slowly catching up to my emotional self.

Comments

[stmaybe.livejournal.com]

you? placid? really?

*boggles*

of all the descriptors in the world that's one i'd never have thought to apply to you (and i'm one of those people who never met you pre-illness or in real life).

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

You are amazing and wonderful. Anyone who disagrees with this? Come see me.

[hnybny.livejournal.com]

You don't strike me as whiny, just hurting.

[needlegrrl]

i think that the you-ness comes out, even on lj, even with your venting. i greatly admire you, and the way that you manage to be such a fabulous person (from the view i have, anyway) while dealing with what you deal with.

and i love your quirkyness. :)

[sophy.livejournal.com]

I see you as a generally positive person, actually. That you have the occasional grumpy spell on LJ just shows that you're human like the rest of us.
I tend to be a lot more postive and hide-how-I-feel-ish in person than I am online, too. It's a lot easier to vent here.

[dahliablue.livejournal.com]

Wow, I just don't see you as placid at all. But then, I never claim to truly know a person I haven't spent time with in person. That's why I wish people wouldn't believe someone's LJ equals their totality.

So you've been cranky while sick. Shame on you! It appears you're...human. :p

[sabethea.livejournal.com]

I find you fascinating and multi-faceted, and I'm somewhat in awe of you because you're so clearly amazingly intelligent and talented and interesting.

[ex-carnaval-619.livejournal.com]

Awww! I know you're sickly but I also have seen you be very, very hyper/crazy (and not all those times you were drunk!!!). :) You're a great person and an amazing woman! I love you very much! :) I miss seeing you too but atleast you're only a hop, skip, & jump away nowadays! :)

[never1eighty.livejournal.com]

I think you're charismatic and have a completely unique way of dealing with things. You may get down but it's always you bouncing back up again to go do stg. And that's just cool. And admirable.

[hellsop.livejournal.com]

I'm in good spirits, but I'm short on patience. I find myself unable to read LJ communities or freecycle without wanting to require parenting licenses (whether the children in question are human or furkid isn't an issue). I find myself wanting to suggest amputation to folks who write to natural med boards about treating third degree burns without medical supervision. And I find myself wondering why, exactly, I want so desperately to be a contributing member of society if this is what society tosses back at me.

This strikes a huge chord with me. I don't suffer from the kind of physical ailments you have, but I *do* spend huge amounts of time at home, focused on my own things, and through on-line socializing with a (*cough*) very high quality group of friends. A typical week won't have me out and dealing with the public in any way more than about 6-8 hours per week, measured from leaving my door, to getting back home. I believe that people that are out more than me (perhaps substantially more) end up getting numbed to the vast amount of vapid, stupid, and selfish that surround them. To them, it's normal and not noticable. To me, it's the jackhammer under the window that sets off the car alarm across the street. At best, tiresome to deal with. On bad days, I start cheering for flu epidemics and "the blizzard of the century" to head my way.

[deborahs-corner.livejournal.com]

That is funny..I have never thought of you as whiney or complaining...infact, I think you are quite a strong person and handle things very well. It is funny how most people can not read us though...I guess unless they have gone through similar.
I enjoy reading your posts and learning about the alternative things..herbal, etc..that you use. That is what I am trying to do...I hate all the meds and want something else.
huggers

[mskit.livejournal.com]

And I find myself wondering why, exactly, I want so desperately to be a contributing member of society if this is what society tosses back at me.

Kudos to you for just wondering and not following through on these impulses. You have a great deal to offer to people individually and people as a whole.