(no subject)

I have oatmeal. Chewy oatmeal. Oatmeal should have bite. Butter, salt, a touch of cinnamon and sugar. Yum.

Starbucks called me back. The carrying agent for the anatto coloring (E160b) in the pumpkin pie spice syrup/mix is propylene glycol. No soy is used in it at all, though they cautioned me that there's always the risk of cross-contamination. Honey, stepping outside my *door* puts me at risk for cross-contamination. Touching produce puts me at risk. Buying bulk grains or sugar puts me at risk. I'm used to that--it's a very, very small risk.

It's not at all like the risk of having a latte that was made with whole milk right after a soy latte was made and the steamer wand wasn't cleaned--no, that's an epinephrine situation.

Anyhow, I can now indulge in that horrific concoction and make my coffee-loving friends swoon in embarassment.

Soon, I'll need to take boy to class. I need to go to Kroger, too. I might go grab a latte afterward, if I have time.

I'm a cynical optimist. It's healthy for me.

I think a lot of people have the need of guided ritual in their lives. I don't really have that need. I take nostalgic comfort in the hymns of Protestant churches (both primitive and Liturgical) and in the rituals of the Episcopal church, but I take far more comfort in just walking through the woods or sitting on a rock.

Talking with my husband, I see that he has far more of a need for some kind of regular, guided, spiritual ritual in his life than I do. I'd like to support him, yet we don't really want to go to any sort of religious service--we're simple too scientific and cynical to do hypocritical things like that. At the same time, he's really feeling the lack of any specific set ritual. Maybe it's part of his Roman Catholic upbringing, maybe it's more.

I've offered to pay more attention to the neopagan Celtic sabbats and the full moons. I already do celebrate most of them with food, decor, or other traditions, but I'm not one to meditate upon or pray to any specific deity. I do not believe nor disbelieve in any deity--I acknowlege the potential existence of them all and believe that every one must find zir own path to the next level--whatever that may or may not be.

So many people feel the need for black and white, for clearcut definitions of what is and is not. The thing is, as we learn more and more about the way our universe works, we learn that we know very, very little and that what we thought was, is not. There are no absolutes. Life is many shades and none at all. I take comfort in this, but I'm one of those people who sees a divinity inherent within chaos. When I dance in the autumn leaves, my mind is twisting in fractal iterations, turning this way and that, predictable and wild.

To paraphrase a professor of flynnk (and he can correct me on this), a true scientist cannot be an atheist, for that is an absolute point of view and without proof of the non-existence, we cannot claim that there is no God, just as we cannot claim that there is one without proof. Succinctly, agnosticism is a more valid scientific spiritual path than either atheism or devout religious fervor.

I've offered to help motivate boy to attend events or sessions at the local Tibetan Buddhist center. I've offered to go to the local Unitarian pagan gatherings, though I dislike participating in casting circles as much as I dislike participating in the Eucharist. I've offered to take him to Episcopal Evensong. Our own beliefs lie much more in line with Daoistic thought, with the balance and perseverance of Buddhism.

It's in my nature to recognize patterns. My spiritual needs are met in this. I am constantly aware of the give and take around me, of the flow and the way everything is interconnected, hence my ability to take in a walk in the woods as a spiritual salve. It's also one of the reasons I can be enthralled by the power of tornadoes, while acknowleging the horror loss of life brings. I see death as part of life--a necessary part--but that doesn't mean I don't mourn for what is lost.

I think a lot of people in my generation feel a need for something. I don't fault anyone for seeking it where they may, but I think a lot of people are looking in the wrong places and are putting too much strain on themselves. I do wonder if the plethora of options we have doesn't lead to false expectations and if it doesn't also contribute to a feeling of failure or loss where neither is necessarily present.

A hundred years ago, I'd be expected to be a (house)wife and mother. While getting married and having children were silent expectations, my options for living beyond that were wide open. My husband sometimes expresses frustration at the options and wonders if he wouldn't have been happier just getting a job doing what his father and his father's father did, be it plumbing or pharmacy or farming. Of course, that expectation wasn't even there for him, since our parents were Baby Boomers and were expected to succeed in ways their parents could not. As children of Baby Boomers, we're expected to take advantage of our good fortune and exceed all expectations.

All of the options and all of the labor-saving devices common to our era give us a lot more free time than our predecessors had. Incessant worrying and fear seems to breed depression and while I recognize depression as a valid illness, I think that a lot of it could be avoided if people would actually think about the thought patterns that cause them distress and learn ways to manage those thoughts and to create new paradigms. Some people need medication, others need therapy, but I think far more just need centering and grounding. To that end, it's easy to see why yoga, tai chi, and qi gong are gaining popularity. People need balance.

I think that a lot of people just need to relax and find their own path. Don't become bogged down by the prospects of eventualities you cannot yet fathom. Live life for the present. Sure, it's good to have a contingency plan--education is wonderful, work experience is excellent--but don't become obsessed with the little things.

Boy often wonders how our parents did it--working and worrying and raising children. He gets frustrated when I tell him people just live and do what they need to do. I told him yesterday that they got through long days with little sleep by using caffeine and he got a bit aggravated, but it's true. Hard work, diligence, love, and never expecting that you will or will not be in the same place tomorrow or next week or the next year or decade. You hope, but you don't count on anything.

My path is not your path, but my path is free of psychotherapy and my path leaves me content and happy. May your path help you find the same.