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Dear Daily Progress,
I hate you. Your delivery agent always throws the paper haphazardly. It usually ends up in the wet grass. Today, it was on the sidewalk outside our fence, next to the street. I've noticed a couple new dents in our trunk. I have a feeling the paper gets bounced off of it more often than not. Since I was up with a horrible headache, I walked out to get it around 8am because Sunday papers are a hot commodity, especially when they're on public property.

As a result of my fetching the paper, my neighbors guessed that I was awake. Our bedrooms are on the side of the house next to theirs. They're now out there with mallets HAMMERING dead stucco or paint off their foundation. My husband is still asleep. Actually, he's probably in there thinking horrible things about our perfectly nice (but insane--who hammers stucco on a cold Sunday morning?) neighbors.

And yeah, I was awoken byb a headache. Having my neighbors pound stucco is not helping. I've concluded that this is all the fault of your delivery agent. My headache was probably spurred by the sound of the paper slamming against the chain link fence.

There's my husband. I'm going to have him come kill you now. Your paper sucks, anyhow. I only get it so I know when trash delivery is rescheduled.

Sincerely,