krasota (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rootofnewt) wrote2001-09-20 01:42 am
rootofnewt) wrote2001-09-20 01:42 am
sometimes i need to *not* dwell on things.
it's so hard to maintain a balance between hope and reality. the fourth anniversary of my illness is coming soon. it just happens to coincide with boy's birthday. i feel horrid that a special day for him is forever intertwined with a day so horrid for me.
a lot of PWCs who do get better do so within the first five years of illness. if that's true, it means i've got one more year in which a remission is possible. i don't expect to get well--i've learned how to cope. i don't enjoy being ill, but it's something i've come to tolerate, if not completely accept. some of my relatives think i'm too cynical... they feel that this is one time where i'm being realistic to a fault. these are the same people who think i'm too wild, crazy, and fanciful the rest of the time.
accepting that fibro and cfids are a part of my life takes a lot less energy than fighting them. it allows me to use that energy for other things--like cooking, sewing, and talking to my loved ones. it allows me to reach out to others who are ill, to listen to them and to talk about our fears and hopes. i think this acceptance is a *good* thing.
it's not like i'm welcoming my fucked up immune system into my life. i still hope that one day i'll wake up and not be in pain... i hope that someday i'll really catch the flu, for once, and actually GET BETTER afterwards. maybe, someday, i can go out with my friends for an evening and not spend the next few days in bed or on the couch.
of course, when THAT happens, email and lj will take the backburner and y'all will be missing my lovely posts. ;)
a lot of PWCs who do get better do so within the first five years of illness. if that's true, it means i've got one more year in which a remission is possible. i don't expect to get well--i've learned how to cope. i don't enjoy being ill, but it's something i've come to tolerate, if not completely accept. some of my relatives think i'm too cynical... they feel that this is one time where i'm being realistic to a fault. these are the same people who think i'm too wild, crazy, and fanciful the rest of the time.
accepting that fibro and cfids are a part of my life takes a lot less energy than fighting them. it allows me to use that energy for other things--like cooking, sewing, and talking to my loved ones. it allows me to reach out to others who are ill, to listen to them and to talk about our fears and hopes. i think this acceptance is a *good* thing.
it's not like i'm welcoming my fucked up immune system into my life. i still hope that one day i'll wake up and not be in pain... i hope that someday i'll really catch the flu, for once, and actually GET BETTER afterwards. maybe, someday, i can go out with my friends for an evening and not spend the next few days in bed or on the couch.
of course, when THAT happens, email and lj will take the backburner and y'all will be missing my lovely posts. ;)
ok then, i look forward to the day when i'll be missing your wonderful posts! :)
at my first anniversary this summer (which also happens to be my birthday) i found an article on CFSID.org. its was about research that had been done into who recovers the best from cfs. apparently those who have the best recovery rate are those who have stopped fighting it outwardly (as in running from one miracle cure to the next or one unsucessful doc to the next). those who have accepted this disability as part of their lives and found ways to continue living with it and in spite of it seem to have the highest levels of recovery. of course i can't find the article now so i'm completely running off my sorry memory.
but if their research is right... you're not giving in, you're not being overly cynical, you're simply fighting it in the best way currently known.
anniversaries
my "illness anniversary" is New Year's Eve - and staying up late always makes me feel worse so i start the year feeling crap about everything generally. trouble is, jay is scottish so New Year's dead important to him, so I try and make the effort, but it's not good.
anyway, who says any of us are "most people"? I've been ill 8 and a half years and i'm still going to get better some day, even if it means that i don't do much now.